Live from the Chicken Barn Episode 3 – When you Wish Upon a Kaiju

Live From the Chicken Barn – Episode 2: Slender Man Retrospective

Slender Man: #RealMenHaveCurves, #RealMoviesHavePlots

I am offended over how bad this movie is. This movie insulted me. I hesitate to even call it a movie. “Slender Man” is what happens when the screenwriter, director, editor, and producers do not care about the final product. “Slender Man” is what happens when a production company realizes that they have the film rights to a popular character after that character winds up in the news. “Slender Man” is what happens when you waste every single opportunity to make something good. “Slender Man” is awful.

I am honestly at a loss of where to start here. I guess I should start about the things I liked. The lead actresses (Joey King, Julia Goldani Telles, Jaz Sinclair, and Annalise Basso) did a good job saying words. Javier Botet was a good casting decision to play Slender Man. That’s about it.

Everything in this movie is just wrong. Seriously, everything from visual effects to editing isn’t just bad, it is objectively wrong. Let’s go through the “plot”.

“Slender Man” centers around four friends who watch a YouTube video to summon Slender Man, a mythical being who lives in the woods, because they heard some boys were watching the video. After watching the video, one friend goes missing during the school field trip to a graveyard (do you get it, kids, it’s foreshadowing), and the other three girls must find out how to get their friend back.

So right off the bat in this movie, every single horror movie cliché is hit as though the director (Sylvain White) had a checklist on set that Sony mandated he follow. The very first scene features the character Katy say “I want the demons inside of me”. Well, we as an audience know she’s dead. Sure enough, she is the character who gets taken by Slender Man. This movie also takes place in Horror Movieville, USA. What I mean by this, is that this is the same town as every hack horror movie where the characters leave school at the end of the day and it’s bright and sunny. But by the time the characters get to their friend’s house, it is pitch black night time. Also, no parents or police exist in Horror Movieville, USA. So, as the kids, actual literal high school children, start to disappear, nobody cares. They just go “poof” and I guess the police are like “I want to help find the missing girl. But the script says I have to stay at the station and eat more donuts”. These girls stop attending school and there isn’t a single call to the parents asking where the students are? If I had a doctor’s appointment in high school and was gone for an hour, my parents got a phone call about it. The same parents who checked me out of school to get me to the doctor. But that doesn’t exist in Horror Movieville, USA. Because logic is dead, and so is this movie’s credibility.

Honestly, the thing about this movie that makes my blood boil the most is the missed opportunities. There were decent ideas here, even a couple of clever shots. But they never follow through on those ideas. I am going to go more in-depth on my podcast because the best way to explain this is verbally, but just know there are more wasted chances to be great than a Cleveland Browns depth chart.

I mentioned in my review of “Truth or Dare” that I laughed out loud in the movie theater during a scary part. In this movie, I wasn’t the only one laughing. The whole theater burst into hysteric laughter during a hallucination scene where our hunky male (crowbarred in) love interest’s face gets twisted up and he ends up having this super derpy orgasm face that is played up to be horrifying and intense, and it just falls flat on its face. Honestly, the whole scene is put together as though the editor had a seizure while moving the footage around on Adobe Premier Pro, only to have the director walk in, see the final product and proclaim, “My God…it’s brilliant!”

I am honestly physically disgusted the more I think of this movie. I love the character of Slender Man, I love the old Slenderverse web series, I love the old “Slender: The Eight Pages” video game, I do not love the official Slender Man movie. In fact, I hate “Slender Man”. I hate it more than I hate any other movie I’ve seen this year. I have seen Ted Nugent hunting shows with more thrills and intense moments. I have seen more excitement come from a crowd of residents at an old folks’ home, where people dump their loving parents to die. I have seen more energy from an amateur golf tournament. I have seen better CGI and visual effects in porn films (hey man, if it’s a film, I’ll review it). I have seen more sincerity from a Hooter’s waitress pretending to be into the customers, so she can get a better tip.

Honestly, I was going to give this movie a 3 or a 4, until the previously mentioned derpy orgasm scene occurred. After that happened, I dropped the score down to a 1, and “Slender Man” is lucky I am giving it a 1. This is like watching Petronius Maximus accidentally leave the gates Rome open for the Vandals, except this time it was Sony throwing open the gates for garbage to continuously flow out of their back lot. 1 out of 10. I hate this movie. Go watch Marble Hornets for free on YouTube instead.

Live from the Chicken Barn. Episode 1 – Slender Man

Christopher Robin: Why I love movies

 

There’s something to be said about a movie that gets you teary eyed during the first five minutes. That something is, “Go see it.” “Christopher Robin” hits you right in the feels before the title card even presents itself on-screen. Your heart-strings are going to be played like a harp, and you are going to cry like a man drafted to the Cleveland Browns. At the end of this movie, you’re going to want to go out and buy a stuffed animal to hug (my Eeyore is in the mail).

With that being said, “Christopher Robin” is not a perfect movie. There are some parts where the movie’s pace grinds to a near stop, and there are some awkward attempts at comedy that made me cringe and actually took me out of the movie. These scenes usually involve Christopher Robin’s interactions with his overly friendly neighbor. They attempt to make the interactions funny, contrasting Robin’s impatience with the neighbor’s persistence. But it just comes off as overly awkward. But these complaints really aren’t bad enough to drag the movie down too much.

Now that my negatives have been addressed, let’s hit the positives. “Christopher Robin” follows the titular character (Ewan McGregor) as he grows up, leaves behind Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred-Acre-Wood, finds a wife (Hayley Atwell), and has a daughter (Bronte Carmichael). As an adult, Christopher Robin finds that he is about to lose his job, his family, or both, until his old friend Winnie the Pooh (Jim Cummings) finds him in the middle of London. Together, Christopher Robin must join Winnie the Pooh on an adventure to find the other residents of the Hundred-Acre-Wood, and maybe even himself.

Now guys, I have to get a little candid here. Ok, maybe a lot candid. The last few months of my life have been…rough. I left Penn State Law, moved back home, and found myself heartbroken and lost in life. Many days and nights have been spent in seemingly endless frustration and anguish, pouring over job sites to try to find a job I am qualified for that doesn’t involve crunching numbers behind a desk all day long. This is why “Christopher Robin” struck such a chord with me.

My eyes were glued to the screen, as I saw myself in Christopher Robin. Robin may not be in the same position I am, but his frustration and life conflicts spoke to me. His interactions with his childhood friends made me laugh, made me cry, made me listen. The animals of the Hundred-Acre-Wood may have childlike naivety, but they have hearts that will touch everyone who sees this movie.

Speaking of the animals, let’s talk about them. Of the entire cast of characters (Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, Rabbit, Owl, Kanga, and Roo) the only voice actor of the old cartoons to return to their role was Jim Cummings (Pooh and Tigger). Which is unfortunate, as I feel like bringing back the classic voices would have been a nice touch (especially Peter Cullen as Eeyore, he needs a movie to be in other than “Transformers” and a role other than Optimus Prime). Granted, the voices of Rabbit, Piglet, and Owl I grew up with have passed away, so I suppose there was no other alternative (plus, Jim Cummings isn’t the original voice of Pooh or Tigger, but he is the voice I grew up with). Also, every animal has an aesthetic reminiscent of plush toys, except Owl and Rabbit. For some reason, Rabbit and Owl are animated in a different style than the others, and it really sticks out like a sore thumb. I adore the designs of the other animals, but Rabbit in particular looks plain ugly in his current design.

Winnie the Pooh himself is as innocent and childlike as ever, but when he says a super heart wrenching line, you feel it in your very soul. Pooh is still the unquestioned face of this franchise, but honestly, Eeyore stole the show. Every scene that features Eeyore makes you laugh that deep belly laugh that leaves you gasping for air. Maybe it is just because I identify with Eeyore’s cynicism and self-deprecating statements, but he truly is my favorite in this movie.

I could sit here and talk all day about this movie, but I gotta cut it off somewhere. “Christopher Robin” is more than just a joy to watch. It reminded me of why I love movies so much. But I can’t bring myself to give it too high of a score due to its missteps. I feel like an 8/10 is perfect for this movie. I love this movie, and I recommend you go out and watch it. Bring some tissues.

P.S. I’m serious about getting that Eeyore plush. Maybe I’ll have to hide behind it when I watch “Slenderman” for my next review. Thanks for reading, I hope to see you all again real soon.

Welcome to the Chicken Barn!

Hey hey, welcome to the Chicken Barn! I am so happy you are here to visit. This is a place where you can read/listen to my articles and podcasts about movies, the film industry, and entertainment as a whole. This is my first effort in website building, so please excuse the mess as I continuously update and improve the Chicken Barn. I sincerely appreciate every view, listen, and comment you have to leave. If you want to become part of the flock, join our mailing list to get updates whenever I post a new review or podcast. Thanks for reading. Have a great day!

-Dalton Cooper

“No art passes our conscience in the way film does, and goes directly to our feelings, deep down into the dark rooms of our souls.” -Ingmar Bergman