The Lion King (2019): I just can’t wait for it to end

The Lion King (2019) has about 15-25 minutes of ok stuff, and the rest is unmitigated awful. I’m going to go into plot spoilers here, but it’s literally a remake of an almost 30-year-old movie so yeah, Scar is still a bad guy and Mufasa still dies. No surprise here. The minute Simba grows up, the movie crashes and burns.

The animation itself, is beautiful and I am excited to see how Disney uses the technology in more competent films. The scenery and characters are truly magnificent, and any still from this movie is just plain pretty. However, none of that matters when the acting is so awful, it makes you shake your head in shame. This voice cast should be fantastic, especially since they have a good director in Jon Favreau. However, aside from Mufasa (James Earl Jones), Zazu (John Oliver), young Simba (JD McCrary), young Nala (Shahadi Wright Joseph), and Rafiki (John Kani) everyone else is horrible. This cast includes Donald Glover, Beyoncé, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Keegan-Michael Key, Eric Andre, and Seth Rogan, yet everyone just sucks. Especially Donald Glover and Beyoncé, they both sound bored and uninterested. Glover in particular has the charisma of a flat soda, and his singing is not very good in “Feel the Love Tonight.”

The music itself is nice, but because it’s music that was written almost 30 years ago. The one exception to that is a song called “Spirit,” a song sung by Beyoncé. But this isn’t a Lion King song sung by Beyoncé, this is a Beyoncé single in a Lion King movie. It comes on, and it immediately takes you out of the movie, with its processed instruments and stupid freaking clap snare hit every modern pop-star uses. Turns out that song was produced by Pharrell Williams, which makes total sense why it sticks out like a sore thumb. The only reason that song is in the movie is so Disney can release a new Beyoncé single on Top 40 radio. It’s despicable.

The comedy doesn’t hit, with one notable exception which I won’t spoil here. When Mufasa dies, I felt nothing. No emotion. And I just cried my eyes out in Toy Story 4 so me being a jaded young dude is not an excuse here. Scar is fine, but can’t hold a candle to the original, he is not as menacing as the original. The hyenas, however, are super scary and menacing, but then they turn around and start cracking jokes, which is way too jarring.

To top it all off, they straight up reuse the audio for “Circle of Life,” it is literally the original recording. I also think they reused the original audio on “I Just Can’t Wait to be King” but with new lead vocals, but I can’t be certain on that one. Plus, because of the realistic art style, the music scenes are dull and uninteresting, a far cry from the animated film with its huge numbers. The art style also limits how much emotion the faces of the characters can portray, as they all just look like neutral feeling animals. No fear, no sadness, no anger, nothing like that.

This movie gets a 4/10. I wanted it to be better, but it just isn’t. Just watch the original, save your money. It is not worth the ticket cost.

Christopher Robin: Why I love movies

 

There’s something to be said about a movie that gets you teary eyed during the first five minutes. That something is, “Go see it.” “Christopher Robin” hits you right in the feels before the title card even presents itself on-screen. Your heart-strings are going to be played like a harp, and you are going to cry like a man drafted to the Cleveland Browns. At the end of this movie, you’re going to want to go out and buy a stuffed animal to hug (my Eeyore is in the mail).

With that being said, “Christopher Robin” is not a perfect movie. There are some parts where the movie’s pace grinds to a near stop, and there are some awkward attempts at comedy that made me cringe and actually took me out of the movie. These scenes usually involve Christopher Robin’s interactions with his overly friendly neighbor. They attempt to make the interactions funny, contrasting Robin’s impatience with the neighbor’s persistence. But it just comes off as overly awkward. But these complaints really aren’t bad enough to drag the movie down too much.

Now that my negatives have been addressed, let’s hit the positives. “Christopher Robin” follows the titular character (Ewan McGregor) as he grows up, leaves behind Winnie the Pooh and the Hundred-Acre-Wood, finds a wife (Hayley Atwell), and has a daughter (Bronte Carmichael). As an adult, Christopher Robin finds that he is about to lose his job, his family, or both, until his old friend Winnie the Pooh (Jim Cummings) finds him in the middle of London. Together, Christopher Robin must join Winnie the Pooh on an adventure to find the other residents of the Hundred-Acre-Wood, and maybe even himself.

Now guys, I have to get a little candid here. Ok, maybe a lot candid. The last few months of my life have been…rough. I left Penn State Law, moved back home, and found myself heartbroken and lost in life. Many days and nights have been spent in seemingly endless frustration and anguish, pouring over job sites to try to find a job I am qualified for that doesn’t involve crunching numbers behind a desk all day long. This is why “Christopher Robin” struck such a chord with me.

My eyes were glued to the screen, as I saw myself in Christopher Robin. Robin may not be in the same position I am, but his frustration and life conflicts spoke to me. His interactions with his childhood friends made me laugh, made me cry, made me listen. The animals of the Hundred-Acre-Wood may have childlike naivety, but they have hearts that will touch everyone who sees this movie.

Speaking of the animals, let’s talk about them. Of the entire cast of characters (Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, Rabbit, Owl, Kanga, and Roo) the only voice actor of the old cartoons to return to their role was Jim Cummings (Pooh and Tigger). Which is unfortunate, as I feel like bringing back the classic voices would have been a nice touch (especially Peter Cullen as Eeyore, he needs a movie to be in other than “Transformers” and a role other than Optimus Prime). Granted, the voices of Rabbit, Piglet, and Owl I grew up with have passed away, so I suppose there was no other alternative (plus, Jim Cummings isn’t the original voice of Pooh or Tigger, but he is the voice I grew up with). Also, every animal has an aesthetic reminiscent of plush toys, except Owl and Rabbit. For some reason, Rabbit and Owl are animated in a different style than the others, and it really sticks out like a sore thumb. I adore the designs of the other animals, but Rabbit in particular looks plain ugly in his current design.

Winnie the Pooh himself is as innocent and childlike as ever, but when he says a super heart wrenching line, you feel it in your very soul. Pooh is still the unquestioned face of this franchise, but honestly, Eeyore stole the show. Every scene that features Eeyore makes you laugh that deep belly laugh that leaves you gasping for air. Maybe it is just because I identify with Eeyore’s cynicism and self-deprecating statements, but he truly is my favorite in this movie.

I could sit here and talk all day about this movie, but I gotta cut it off somewhere. “Christopher Robin” is more than just a joy to watch. It reminded me of why I love movies so much. But I can’t bring myself to give it too high of a score due to its missteps. I feel like an 8/10 is perfect for this movie. I love this movie, and I recommend you go out and watch it. Bring some tissues.

P.S. I’m serious about getting that Eeyore plush. Maybe I’ll have to hide behind it when I watch “Slenderman” for my next review. Thanks for reading, I hope to see you all again real soon.